Passion & Purpose - Wisdom for Women

By Lorraine Platt

Many women long to connect deeply with a partner but have been unable to sustain a fulfilling relationship. They may be successful in other areas, but creating a lasting partnership remains elusive. What is it that keeps women from having what they really want?

There are many factors, as individual as the women themselves, but there is a common thread. The biggest obstacle to having intimacy with a partner is the unresolved hurt and betrayal of childhood wounding and the negative relational experiences that follow. Your relationship templates are created by your relationships with your primary caregivers. You may have left your parent's home decades ago, but your relational imprints remain until the edges are softened by new positive experiences.

Unfortunately, you may live out the same patterns, never giving yourself the chance to create new positive experiences. You may disempower yourself by believing that someone else is creating your painful experiences. So you shut down or change partners, hoping it will be different in the future or with someone else. But you are the same, and therefore, attract the same kind of man and create the same situation. Understandably, you may give up ever finding a man you can trust enough to help you heal this vicious cycle.

Your desire for connection tells you that you want a partner, but you feel too vulnerable to open to the possibility of being hurt again. The safety and control of being single or emotionally distant from your partner can keep you isolated even when you long to connect. If you have never had a trusting, fulfilling partnership, it is challenging to believe it is even possible.

Having never experienced the appreciation you needed to flourish, you protect the most beautiful, tender parts of yourself. With a half-open heart, you attract unavailable men who match your own ambivalence about being fully present. This reaffirms the belief that there aren't any "good" men out there, so you hold back even more. This absence of trust and openness creates more of the same. And so on... How can this self-destructive cycle be broken?

It requires faith and many baby steps to slowly build a solid foundation of trust. You can start by being willing to meet and get close to available men in the safest way possible - friendship. Perhaps spending time with a male friend or mentor you can trust will open up the door to eventually trusting a partner. You can start to have the experience of a man showing up for you in a meaningful way without being sexual. You can establish a friendship with a man who is honest, keeps his word, shows up on time and consistently invests himself in the relationship. This is an easier way to build trust and feel cared for without the intense feelings that can cause confusion in a romance. Perhaps it is a mentor who plays the role of a healing father figure who shows up in ways your father was unable to. Maybe you have a friend with a great husband and she can share her positive experiences with you and how she created such a great partnership.

There are conscious available men with strength and integrity and you attract them when you are available to yourself first. This means examining how you have closed your heart to protect yourself. It means giving yourself the love, attention, and validation you want from a partner and knowing you are complete. When your life is full, people love you, and there is no need for desperation, you become ready to invite a conscious loving man into your life. Be clear with yourself that no one else is allowed. If you're willing to settle, that's what you will get, a mediocre, immature man who can't show up, for whom you make excuses.

What do you really want? What have you always longed for? What would it take to believe in yourself and give yourself a chance? Now is the opportunity to be your own protective father and your own nurturing mother so you can set boundaries and care for yourself emotionally. Now is the time to give yourself what you've never received from anyone else - complete adoration, acceptance and compassion. Are you ready to really open up to a man and, if not, what would if take for you to become ready?

Many women believe they are ready and available but they are not in their bodies. Intellectually they understand relationships, they may even know what it takes to create a healthy one but they are cut off from their own experiences. Their breath is shallow, their bodies constricted and tense - no movement or flow is allowed because it would open the door to locked up pain that needs attention. And yet, this is the door to freedom - the freedom to experience both pleasure and pain, to be fully alive in your own body. You experience relationships on all levels: physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual. All of these areas need attention and they need to be aligned with one another. If any area is neglected, it's impossible to be fully present. If you are not fully present, trusting another person can feel very precarious.

To trust someone is to surrender, to give up some measure of control. To give up some measure of control, you need to know it is safe and that you can trust yourself to see clearly and set appropriate boundaries. Seeing clearly requires being in touch with yourself. Setting appropriate boundaries requires feeling worthy enough to take care of yourself. Many women have been deeply disappointed by their fathers and other male role models throughout their lives. After being hurt so many times, they came believe they were unworthy of love. This painful conditioning caused them to repeat the pattern and pursue unavailable men who confirmed their negative beliefs.

What makes it possible to open to a healthy man is grieving the unhealthy ones, and letting them go. Experience your past disappointments and let your heart break open. Let your heart break open to a healthy man who wants to be there for you. Be there for yourself no matter how you feel and stop pretending that you're fine. Let down your guard and heal through the love of an accepting other who wants to know you completely. Stop giving yourself away in order to get love; there's nothing to earn or work for. Love itself will heal and expand who you are. In the light of love's healing, you will radiate beyond your pain and conditioning to be even more magnificent.

Staying connected to yourself and centered in a relationship is like a meditation - when your mind wanders, you just keep coming back. It's important to take it slow. Be discerning and get feedback from trusted friends or counselors who can see the situation objectively and give you a map for moving forward. You need the empty space of slowing down and tuning in to safely open up to someone. You need the room to feel your body and hear your intuition so you don't repeat the same destructive patterns. If your intuition is drowned out by sexual excitement, fantasies of the future, or fears from the past, then you won't hear or feel your own wisdom.

Decide to make room for a conscious man to enter your sacred space. This requires enormous trust to believe you can have this if you've never had it before. It means deeply valuing yourself and trusting that someone will really see and appreciate you. It means exposing yourself and trusting your own perceptions. It means setting boundaries with anyone who invades your space. It means worshipping yourself as the goddess that you are and attracting a man who will do the same.

The attractive women are the radiant open flowers with life beaming out of them. Smell, taste and feel life as you're moving through your day. Let the playful child and the powerful woman emerge to be seen and appreciated. Realize that a conscious man will be irresistibly drawn to your radiance if you just let it shine through. The men who are not ready for you will run away. You must set your own standards for how you will be treated - because you are wise and powerful, not because you are frightened and in control.

Believe it is possible. Know you are worthy and commit to letting it happen. Take the necessary risks to make yourself available to love. Heal your body and open your heart. Connect with other women who support you and rekindle your passion for life. Meet yourself and take a stand for who you are and what you want - then surrender to the magnificent mystery of how it will manifest. Appreciate what you already have and set your intention to expand it. How could ecstatic love NOT flow through such an open, receptive channel?

Lorraine Platt, LMFT

Lorraine Platt is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who supports women to create their ideal relationship. She draws from a variety of disciplines including breath and body-centered therapies. Her unique approach combines Buddhism, Breathwork, Focusing, and the work of David Deida. In addition to her Women's Groups, Couple and Individual sessions, she facilitates Single's Seminars with her husband Richard.

She can be reached at 415-302-1700 or lorraine@passionpurpose.org

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